Thomas McAuley is a San Antonio fiction writer who broods over weird stories. Bizarro stories. Absurdist stories. Whatever label, they're strange stories about impossible things and written with normal, solid language.

As my last installment of Banned Books Week 2011, I decided to share the American Library Association's own list of the Top 100 Banned/Challenged Books. Sadly the list is current only to 2009, but judging from the pub dates on many of these titles, the list probably hasn't changed much in two years.

My heart aches for kids who might encounter enough difficulty in accessing some of these titles to end up missing out on them.

I remember how Cather in the Rye changed my notions about what a classic book was. To know that such a snotty attitude could not only work but be considered the equal of others I had read by that time. And The Giver? My younger son -- twelve or thirteen at the time -- couldn't put the book down. I'm fairly certain it was the first book that had such an effect on him. Grendel? I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings? Of Mice and Men?

The real offense is not their content but their exclusion.

Read the following list and try to keep a straight face.

As many of us know, this week is Banned Books Week. Not being someone to react to anything in a knee-jerk fashion, I tend to seek out the opposing view. Or I try to start from a position of assuming that well-intentioned people with the interests of those they love are behind what may seem oppressive or harmful.

The new story below from Erin Murray of KVEO in Brownsville, Texas gives us a pretty middle-of-the-road report on some of the pragmatic thinking behind how and why books are challenged or banned.

Though it's refreshing to learn that there is a process in place and that the number of challenged or banned books has decreased by 2/3 since 2006, it's still alarming that some of the books on the list remain there. And I still suspect that the people -- parents mostly, from what I gather -- are missing the point about the dark power they're attributing to books. That or they're vastly underestimating the intelligence of their children.

Books like the ones that appear on the list, without exception, do nothing more than challenge one's thinking, not corrupt it. If a book elicits a strong response, then all the better. That's what thought is all about.

If anyone should challenge a book, it should be the child who reads it, but for God's sake, don't take it from him before he's had a chance to judge it for himself. As I've said before, you'll KNOW when a book is truly offensive. Those books are out there. But this list? Forget it. You haven't seen offensive yet.

Click here to download PDF containing 2011's list of the challenged and banned books in Texas.

SAN JUAN - At the end of every school year, test scores are totaled, grades are given out, and the curriculum is revised. And sometimes, part of those revisions include restricting or banning books completely from school libraries.

In Texas around 70 books from various school levels were challenged and 17 were banned from the shelves. Book banning is a practice used across the state, but over the years it has gone down from almost 50 books banned in 2006 to just 17 this past school year.

To better understand this post, you'll need to know two things about me right up front.

1. I have a difficult time sitting still during prolonged phone calls. I pace. If the situation allows, I prefer to walk. Since I work out  of a nearby coffee shop instead of my home most days, that means a lap or two around the roughly two-acre business center; and,
2. I do, did not nor ever have hung around dumpsters. Are we clear?

Monday at work, during one of those prolonged work phone calls, I found myself near a dumpster -- one of those walled in by cinder blocks. Something along the outside wall caught my eye. Walking closer, I saw that it was a small animal trap. Closer still and I saw that inside it was an animal. It was a young female skunk. She was rolled into a ball, sleeping with her head on her hands. Or dead, I considered. It was late morning but already near 100˚.  I moved closer and Tsk'd two or three times to check her condition. She slowly lifted her head and looked at me. In my mind, she was saying, "I'm scared, but please do something."

I considered releasing her right there. Damn the Man. But since I tend to lack a certain modicum of horse sense, I decided it would be in my best interest to consult with a wise friend back at the coffee shop. I returned and sat with him.

"I need some advice."

"Please sit down."

I explained the skunk's situation to him. To my surprise, he understood my emotional predicament. In such situations as this, I tend to become the skunk or the skunk's imagined children. To my further surprise, my friend suggested we take a second look. On the way to the cage, my friend assured me that if I felt strongly about it, that I should release the skunk, that the traps were probably intended for raccoons anyway. 

Before reaching the cage, my friend received a call. Having already received his wise counsel, I leapt into action. Why make her wait any longer was my thinking.

I studied the trap and saw that I could simply prop the door open. If she still had the strength, she could walk out when she felt safe. I leaned in and unlatched the lock that held the door down. I found a small stick, put it into position under the door and backed away, pleased with myself.

Then I smelled it. Her scent.

I hadn't seen her spray. Hadn't felt it, even, but there was no mistaking that somewhere on me had been hit. Not badly but undoubtedly so.

My friend was kind enough to collect my things from the coffee shop so that I wouldn't need to stink up the place. As luck would have it, my older son arrived to sit and have lunch with me. I sat outside long enough to research what I needed in order to remove skunk scent. I asked my son to run into a CVS for a quart of peroxide. At home, I stripped down and threw my clothes outside. Inside, I mixed a bucket of peroxide, baking soda and dish soap and jumped into the bath tub for an hour or so.

Magically, I was odor free. The pocket knife, change, keys and phone, however, were not so lucky but after a day out in the Texas wind, they too were back to normal. My pants and shirt remain outside and may end up needing to be sacrificed.

But the potential loss of those two items of clothes are a small price to pay, I suppose. Well, there are the funny looks and continuing dumpster and skunk jokes, too, but I think I'll survive, knowing that the skunk didn't have to suffer or die in the sun.

Well-crafted music videos are, to me, some of the finer abstract flash fiction pieces one can enjoy. And for a writer who should really be writing, videos can sometimes be a quick inspiration for our own stories.

Okay...maybe that sounds mostly like crap. Maybe it is. I am a weak whore nut for a 4/4 3:50 Beatles-esque song. But if, when you increase the ambition by 500% and and decrease the pop by the same amount, and you end up with a song that's as tight as this little nugget by New York band, Battles, I'm in. Especially when it features the too-often-overlooked singer/songwriter/musician/pilot and a long-time fave of mine, Gary Numan on lead vocals.

Enjoy! I certainly did.

Click to check out The Creators Project site: www.thecreatorsproject.com for the full scoop on the song, the band, the video and other wonderful works they're into.

“A censor is a man who knows more than he thinks you ought to.”
– Laurence Peter, professor of Education

It's hard to believe that in today's world there remain books that are banned. Let me clarify that. It's not difficult to believe that there are banned books. I've seen a couple that turned my stomach and were clearly offensive to the point that I wanted to burn the thing myself.

One that stands out is one that I saw in a Munich bookstore back in the 80s. It was a oversized photo book similar to the ones the LIFE put out for years, every page filled edge to edge with brilliant photography. This title, however, turned out to be 100 pages of disturbing candid shots of Nazis during WWII. Many of the pictures were innocuous enough, but there were more than a few that were graphically violent and often too celebratory for my sensibilities. I closed the book when I saw this three-shot sequence; a young, smiling Nazi with his ax raised; same boy powering the ax downward, the effort showing on his face; and the ax just as it enters another man's neck, maybe an inch or two. There was no fourth shot, thank goodness.

In short I was amazed that the title had been published. I was amazed too that any store, knowing its contents would sell it. I felt revolted at anyone would want it for themselves. I wondered to what end it could be anything other than overt support for nationalists or ultra violence.

But even then, I couldn't find a case for outright banning the book. I think about the books that have actually been banned and can't believe that someone somewhere got more offended about To Kill a Mockingbird than I got looking at this horrific photo book. That when it came down to it, the determining authorities lacked the focus and reason to perhaps age-restrict the book or find some other recourse than suppressing it.

For my money, there's no more effective way of getting me interested in something than telling me some stiff said I can't look at it. My reaction is of intense curiosity. In effect, the banned book gets martyred.

If you truly want to discredit or shun a book, shine a light on it. My belief is that people will figure things out for themselves rather quickly when something should or shouldn't be shown to their children. Sensibilities tend to be pretty common among populations. Certainly a broad determination can't be made at a Federal or State level.

I stumbled upon another site that I feel does this subject some justice by shining a tasteful light on some banned books. They create t-shirts and bags out of classic book covers.

Be sure to check out www.outofprintclothing.com

First off, I recognize that I'm late to the show, but forgive me, I'm like freaking 43 as of this writing. But, I have been going back and forth on this band, not wanting to play in to the pussying out of hard rock that seems to have been slowly happening since -- well, I'm not about to name some bands that I've liked.

But I can't stop thinking that there's something truly different about Poison the Well. They've been around since '97. They're from  Ft. Lauderdale and are currently signed with Ferret, not a bad label. Ferret has a pretty good feel for finding new shit that is at the same time hard, tasteful and sellable to today's vital younger market.

They've sort of MTV'd out some since they began, some have said, but who doesn't change over time. And I'm not so sure MTV'ing out has to be bad in ever case. Take a look/listen to their simpler start in 2007 with the tight song/vid for Letter Thing.

Letter Thing

Poison The Well | Myspace Video
 

I'm turned the hell off by the interruption of, again, pussy vocals in between the rougher punk-edge, cookie-monster main vocals, but when Poison the Well added another vocalist -- at least that seems to be what happened since 2007 -- that fellow at least brought some substance to his role. In a couple of their songs, that softer vocal includes lyrics that are honestly chilling and not simply emo and empty.

You want to punch that guy less than the fairy other bands serve up for ridicule.

So visit their MySpace site -- yes, folks still use that dinosaur -- at www.myspace.com/poisonthewell or get Ferret Records' decent release -- currently free -- that includes Poison the Well's great single, Cinema, on Amazon

I found this little anecdote about Mark Twain online last night. There seem to be so many, one hopes they're all true. Even if only some are, he was a bit of a dick. I would have dug hanging with him to trade tips on doing mean-but-harmless shit to people.

And since he's all dead, I thought I'd post a picture of him dressed like a chick. I mean, what's he gonna do about it? Write about it? Chase me around?

Anyway, here's what I mean...

And there you have it -- no more need to write. Not now that computers can do the writing for it. I reckon this'll be my last post.

Ok...It won't be my last post and there still remains a need to write, even if Brown University has a tool on their website that claims to generate fairy tales. I mean, it's even in the name. Proppian Fairy Tale Generator v1.0.

Click here to try it out.

But here's the scoop introduced in fairy tale style. The rest comes from Brown's own description.

There once was a man named Vladamir Propp. He was, according to the ancient tome, Wikipedia, "a Russian and Soviet formalist scholar who analyzed the basic plot components of Russian folk tales to identify their simplest irreducible narrative elements." One day, on a long walk in the countryside, he came upon a fairy. After apologizing for such effrontery, he asked the now-soiled fairy about its tail.

"Tale?" the fairy said through the handkerchief he'd handed her. "Aren't you the expert?"

"I suppose I am," Vladamir said, zipping his trousers.

"Then you tell me about tales," she said and promptly sat on a rock to listen.

Vladimir Propp's theories Contending that fairy tales could be studied and compared by examining their most basic plot components, Formalist Vladimir Propp developed an analysis that reduced fairy tales to a series of actions performed by the dramatis personae in each story. Propp argued that all fairy tales were constructed of certain plot elements, which he called functions, and that these elements consistently occurred in a uniform sequence. Based on a study of one hundred folk tales, Propp devised a list of thirty-one generic functions, proposing that they encompassed all of the plot components from which fairy tales were constructed.

Use of Proppian analysis reveals that fairy tales do share several similarities as far as basic plot elements. However, attempted Proppian analyses of several tales reveals that his claim of a uniform plot progression does not hold. Propp’s analysis also fails to recognize the importance of such story components as tone, mood, characterization, and writing style just to name a few. According to Propp, a cohesive story can be formed by connecting a series of any set of the thirty-one functions in order. This project explores this component of Propp’s argument by randomly generating a fairy tale from selected functions. Each function has several passages written specifically to express that function, and the generator will randomly select one passage for each selected function. While each passage appropriately expresses its respective plot element, the tone, characters, and settings may vary. The randomly generated fairy tale demonstrates that it is necessary to consider several other elements besides plot components in order to create a cohesive and well-written tale.

I played with it a little bit and found it as functional and useful as I would expect from a student project. Though a top-rate student project, it lacks the polish of a for-sale product. It's creator probably describes it best, and makes no promises of changing the world

You have reached the Proppian Fairy Tale Generator, an experiment in electronic (re)writing and an exploration of the retranslation of modernist theory within the electronic environment.

So, it's fun and interesting. Give it a try.

I've never been a real cynic, but sometimes things can seem a little bleak.

• Folks protesting mosques or soldiers' funerals.
• So many good people out of work while bad folks get richer standing on their backs.
• Pretending gays don't or shouldn't exist.
• A growing sneak to get religion into public schools and other institutions.

And on and on.

It all can give a reasoned person a headache.

Well, as the title of this post suggests, I have an official hero this week. Someone who has, for at least a day, turned things around for me. And I'm proud to say she comes from Texas, a place better know for its bibles and guns than it's wisdom, creativity or kindness.

I found this article on Jezebel.com but the original story seems to have first appeared on CBS Sunday Morning. (Note the wonderful sun logo.)

Click here to read the rest of the short article and watch the video.

Good job, Teresa and thank you to @Brendacopeland and @Julieklam for bringing this to my attention.

Be sure to visit Teresa Berg's Dallas Photography site: http://www.teresaberg.com/

As writers, it is our job to create story where there is none, or to reveal story that was there all along, either unnoticed or for whatever other reason untold.

Writers learn that as interesting as real life can be, that's not what we're writing. That is the realm of the non-fiction writer. As fiction writers, our task is to make real life more interesting and to make fantastical life believable.

Remember that old saying.

To the carpenter everything looks like a nail.

A successful writer should understand this proverb and cultivate the habit of seeing the world through a writer's eyes, through the eyes of someone who sees potential story and narrative interest in all things.

And to that end, carry a small notebook everywhere you go. Just to jot down ideas. I posted recently about the mistaken wisdom of journaling. That's not what I'm talking about. Try to notice and capture the briefest essential detail so that you might recall what attracted you to the sight or the person or whatever.

Ask yourself questions.

• What made you stop and look?
• Why that person?
• Why that place? And why did I notice it -- what was it about me that made that subject stand out?
• What happened before to make what you saw possible, or why could it not have happened another way?
• What will come next? What many things might?

At this point, your asking questions becomes the engine behind creating your story.

Photo used without permission of Ben Heine. This is a detail of a larger piece. Visit his site: www.benheine.com

I found this list somewhere or other. And the way the site phrased it, they also had found it somewhere they couldn't name, so let's just not fret too much about credits. It's a list, for God's sake.

Anyway...it's alphabetical. What would be pimp would be a list in order of beauty. Then you're getting super-subjective and contentious. Fun.

Ailurophile A cat-lover.
Assemblage A gathering.
Becoming Attractive.
Beleaguer To exhaust with attacks.
Brood To think alone.
Bucolic In a lovely rural setting.
Bungalow A small, cozy cottage.
Chatoyant Like a cat’s eye.
Comely Attractive.
Conflate To blend together.
Cynosure A focal point of admiration.
Dalliance A brief love affair.
Demesne Dominion, territory.
Demure Shy and reserved.
Denouement The resolution of a mystery.
Desuetude Disuse.
Desultory Slow, sluggish.
Diaphanous Filmy.
Dissemble Deceive.
Dulcet Sweet, sugary.
Ebullience Bubbling enthusiasm.
Effervescent Bubbly.
Efflorescence Flowering, blooming.
Elision Dropping a sound or syllable in a word.
Elixir A good potion.
Eloquence Beauty and persuasion in speech.
Embrocation Rubbing on a lotion.
Emollient A softener.
Ephemeral Short-lived.
Epiphany A sudden revelation.
Erstwhile At one time, for a time.
Ethereal Gaseous, invisible but detectable.
Evanescent Vanishing quickly, lasting a very short time.
Evocative Suggestive.
Fetching Pretty.
Felicity Pleasantness.
Forbearance Withholding response to provocation.
Fugacious Fleeting.
Furtive Shifty, sneaky.
Gambol To skip or leap about joyfully.
Glamour Beauty.
Gossamer The finest piece of thread, a spider’s silk.
Halcyon Happy, sunny, care-free.
Harbinger Messenger with news of the future.
Imbrication Overlapping and forming a regular pattern.
Imbroglio An altercation or complicated situation.
Imbue To infuse, instill.
Incipient Beginning, in an early stage.
Ineffable Unutterable, inexpressible.
Ingénue A naïve young woman.
Inglenook A cozy nook by the hearth.
Insouciance Blithe nonchalance.
Inure To become jaded.
Labyrinthine Twisting and turning.
Lagniappe A special kind of gift.
Lagoon A small gulf or inlet.
Languor Listlessness, inactivity.
Lassitude Weariness, listlessness.
Leisure Free time.
Lilt To move musically or lively.
Lissome Slender and graceful.
Lithe Slender and flexible.
Love Deep affection.
Mellifluous Sweet sounding.
Moiety One of two equal parts.
Mondegreen A slip of the ear.
Murmurous Murmuring.
Nemesis An unconquerable archenemy.
Offing The sea between the horizon and the offshore.
Onomatopoeia A word that sounds like its meaning.
Opulent Lush, luxuriant.
Palimpsest A manuscript written over earlier ones.
Panacea A solution for all problems
Panoply A complete set.
Pastiche An art work combining materials from various sources.
Penumbra A half-shadow.
Petrichor The smell of earth after rain.
Plethora A large quantity.
Propinquity An inclination.
Pyrrhic Successful with heavy losses.
Quintessential Most essential.
Ratatouille A spicy French stew.
Ravel To knit or unknit.
Redolent Fragrant.
Riparian By the bank of a stream.
Ripple A very small wave.
Scintilla A spark or very small thing.
Sempiternal Eternal.
Seraglio Rich, luxurious oriental palace or harem.
Serendipity Finding something nice while looking for something else.
Summery Light, delicate or warm and sunny.
Sumptuous Lush, luxurious.
Surreptitious Secretive, sneaky.
Susquehanna A river in Pennsylvania.
Susurrous Whispering, hissing.
Talisman A good luck charm.
Tintinnabulation Tinkling.
Umbrella Protection from sun or rain.
Untoward Unseemly, inappropriate.
Vestigial In trace amounts.
Wafture Waving.
Wherewithal The means.
Woebegone Sorrowful, downcast.

Last night, I stumbled on -- literally stumbled upon as in StumbleUpon.com -- a brilliant article on the British site Style.co.uk entitled "The Best 100 Opening Lines from Books" and immediately lost myself, sidetracked, hovering and clicking. 

One bit of genius after the other. Some better known than others. Many that made me want to reopen the ones I had already read and read the ones that I hadn't.

"What's it going to be, eh?" from A Clockwork Orange.

"This time there would be no witnesses," from Dirk Gently's Holistic Detective Agency

"Lolita, light of my life, fire of my loins" from, obviously, Lolita.

A huge thank you to the folks at Style for this subtle gift. This list shows in a unique way how much of an effect classics have on us. This can be illustrated by asking the same question one normally asks in reference to great disasters or other life-changing events like first loves -- Where were you or how old when...

Peruse the list and ask yourself those questions. It's a joy, if a tad melancholy.

Too many ArmadilloCon '11 related posts? Never.

However, this is the last one I have. It was the last panel I attended. But it was a goodie.

Finding your voice as a storyteller.

This panel discussion was a stand-out to me for a few reasons:

• First off, the panel was filled with extraordinary characters worthy of inclusion in stories themselves.
  • Jayme Lynn Blaschke: A man who can wear the hell out of a tacky vest.
  • Steven Burst: A man who can wear the hell out of a Cavalier hat.
  • Skyler White: A woman who can wear the hell out of some dreads.
  • Amanda Downum: A woman who can, according to her bio, herd the hell out of some cats
  • William Browning Spencer: A hell of an adorable man with his small stature and soft voice.

• Next, the topic was particularly well-timed for me. After a year and a half working almost exclusively on one Appalachian story, I had been too-long locked in the peculiarities of that type of narration and dialog and felt that I was at risk of losing the voice I felt I had developed up to that point. I was eager to learn if that was the case and, if so, how I might best turn that trend around.
• Finally, there was a great energy in the room. I'm not sure if it was because the subject was interesting or particular well-timed for me, or if everyone in the audience and on the panel could feel that a busy, challenging Con was nearing the end. I lean toward giving credit to the panel. Their authority and positive energy was infectious.

Right from the get-go, I realized that this would be a fast-paced discussion, that my fingers would have to work hard to keep up. So much wisdom and that slightly annoying iPad keyboard to contend with. What follows will largely be an unordered list of best practices and bits of wisdom. I'll try to break them down as much as I can. By now, it's been a while since I was there, so I may have forgotten much of the path the hour followed.

What is voice in fiction writing?

• Simply put, narrative voice is key to continuing successfully through a story.Can one learn voice? Does everyone have a voice to find?
• Every writer is said to get one or two things for free. For example, you might naturally have voice or plotting, but you won't naturally have everything handed to you. The rest will be the result of dedication and work. For the dedicated and hard-working, a voice probably can be found and honed, but we all know a handful of unfortunate for whom all the work in the world won't help.

What are some ways that might help a new author find his voice?

• Find the authors that you like. Learn them then somewhere along the way you rip them off. It's not uncommon for authors to write out word-for-word a certain passage, to learn out how the prose works to accomplish a given effect. By actively engaging in this sort of study, you may learn how to incorporate elements that will eventually work their way into your own natural voice.

To this, another panelist suggested that it would be a terrific challenge to choose two of your favorite authors who themselves have a distinctive voice. Then write one of the author's type of story in the other author's voice.

Someone suggested that writing in a different manner can sometimes coax out that elusive voice. For instance, it is well-known that Neil Gaiman often if not always writes his first drafts longhand.

Soon after, a virtual light bulb lit over Steven Burst. "Wouldn't it be cool," he said, "to write a story in thirds -- one third written on typewriter, the next written longhand and the last third on a word processor. Another panelist wondered if the end result might come off contrived. Another answered that, maybe it would, so the plot may possibly have to justify that manner of writing. William Browning Spencer had already spoken some to other topics by this point, his next comment stopped the room.

• "All plots are contrived," he said. "So that's not the correct criticism when a plot doesn't work. What people who say that are really saying is that a particular plot is not contrived well.

See what I mean? Good energy in the room.

General writing advice for beginning writers

• As with so much conversation about how to improve one's writing, the real secret comes back to daily repetition: BIC HOK TAM (Butt in chair, hands on keyboard, typing away madly).
• Embrace the power of the ugly first draft. Power through the ugliness...usually. The first draft can suck too much.
• It's not much of an overstatement to say that POV solved most problems of description.
• First person is like always being on the button. You can never die. The only problem is when things have to happen that the POV character can't know something, but there are all sorts of problems with switching POV between scenes. But if you're up to it, it can be fun to give info to the reader that the POV character doesn't know about.
• Keep in mind that A writer is a person form whom writing is harder than it is for other people.
• Try identifying what you're bad at and write a story where that aspect is the most important aspect of the work.

Editing advice for beginning writers

• Recognize at what point another round of changes will cause more trouble than it fixes.
• Try limiting yourself to a certain number of passes.
• One way to get started in the morning is to revise the last page that you were writing. Lansdale does this, sets a certain time period and sticks to it.

Critique advice for beginning writers

As humorously short as the response was, it stuck and no one had anything else too meaningful to add to it.

• Don't abdicate.

To finish up this informative panel, the moderator called for...

Suggested reading to help beginning writers find their voices

• How Fiction Works by James Wood
• Characters and Viewpoint
• Johnson's Original Dictionary

Either I've had too much bourbon or I truly can't decide whether I very much like or very much dislike whichbook.net, a funny UK site that describes itself thusly:

Whichbook enables millions of combinations of factors and then suggests books which most closely match your needs.

For some reason, when I checked this site out yesterday evening, I got hooked. It's reading suggested seemed somehow too spot-on. As the joke goes, "Have they been reading my diary?" So, naturally, I was hooked. Still, my experience with website design has me suspecting that few people having invented and tested it. Sites created in such a way tend to have odd quirks.

With that said, whichbook.net seems to have, for the most part, gotten it right. 

As a first step, they extend an irresistible invitation to click up to four this-or-that tabs

• Happy  or Sad
• Funny or Serious
• Safe or Disturbing
• Expected or Unpredictable
• Larger than life or Down to earth
• Beautiful or Disgusting
• Gentle or Violent
• Easy or Demanding
• No sex or Lots of sex
• Conventional or Unusual
• Optimistic or Bleak
• Short or Long

Then you choose the format and maybe some other parameters, though I doubt these finer tunings' accuracy.

Click go and you'll be surprised, I'd expect, with the results. You're served up a page of suggested readings ordered Best, Good and Fair Matches. You can find parallel works, read (possibly too short) extracts, share and make lists.

Here's what I mean by the possibly too short extracts. This from The Suicide Kit by David L. Hayles (a title I came across by choosing Serious and Lots of sex -- sue me). First is a descriptive blurb, then the extract.

If you like your humour black, surreal, with added violence, then look no further. These short stories are fast and furious. They may shock and alarm but some will also make you laugh - in spite of yourself.

With the Suicide Kit, your body will remain more or less intact. You won't have to worry about your wife finding you brains on the living room wall, or a young couple on a moonlit night coming across your bloated corpse on the riverbank...

For my money -- actually my odd tastes in reading material -- I'll keep using whichbook.net for a while. There could be more -- or less, I suppose -- that will show itself after a few weeks of use.

I spent a large part of my college years journaling. I would sit in a little pizza joint in Murfreesboro, Tennessee and record...well, everything that came to mind. I would write poetry, my philosophical thoughts, doodles, song lyrics, letters I'd never send. Like I said, everything. Through my teens, I suffered from (probably common) depression and a general lack of self-confidence and courage. I have no doubt that that period in my life was key to my truly learning about myself. I emerged from those years, more comfortable with my identity and my place in the world. I identified my true desires and outlined my goals.

Since I took up writing in a serious way a number of years back, I have faced occasional set-back, tests of my self-confidence as an artist, uncertainty again as to who I am as a writer. So naturally, my first thought was to return to journaling. It worked for me once, why not again.

I returned for a time to journaling, but quickly learned that it no longer held therapeutic value. It had once worked magic. I abandoned the practice and now only carry a small notebook to record brief synopses, story ideas I would be sure to forget.

Side note: I know that I would forget the story ideas because when I open one of these notebooks from time to time, I'm amazed at what I find. I remember the notes I've made once I read them but there's no doubt that they were entirely forgotten.

I haven't found a good explanation of why journaling didn't help me the way it had before...until I read the following article: Caro Clarke's " The writer's notebook, or Let's not really write". Visit Caro Clarke's site -- www.caroclarke.com -- to learn her full argument as to why journaling could be bogus if your goal is to become a writer.

The writer's notebook, or Let's not really write

Standard advice to the beginner writer is to keep a notebook or journal. Jot down phrases that come into your mind, they say, paint word pictures, keep a diary of what happened to you every day, your thoughts and feelings, practice with writing exercises. This, you are assured, will get the writing juices going, will encourage a facility with words, and will hone your observational skills.

I say baloney. I say that you will end up with a nice collection of notebooks, but you won't be a writer.

Keeping a journal or notebook fosters the journal-writing skill, not the fiction-writing skill. Fiction requires skills that journals won't bring out, can't bring out. Journals are the eddies in the stream, the procrastinator's heaven. I repeat: if you want to write fiction, journals won't foster the skills you need.

What are "notebook skills" and why don't they encourage the skills of fiction-writing? Let's look at a few.

1. Me, Myself, I
Delve within yourself, say those who preach journal-keeping to beginner writers. Learn your motivations, what makes you tick, and then you will be able to write about deep and complex emotions.

A few years of this kind of journal-writing will make you well acquainted with yourself, but at the end that's what you'll be able to write about – yourself.

It's easy to write about yourself. And there are plenty of thinly-veiled autobiographies masquerading as novels these days that show that editors accept them. But how many great books are simply portraits of the writer as a young man? Not Crime and Punishment.

Real writers love characters. Writers catch fire at the thought of inventing a really interesting person. Most writers say that their stories began with a character who leapt up, whole and complete, in their mind's eye, a person with a story that had to be written. Writing about your own inner thoughts and feelings, your own daily life, won't get you a Huckleberry Finn or a Holden Caulfield. Actually writing fiction will.

But, you protest, journal-writers are encouraged to create word-sketches of characters, to invent people. I say again, baloney. Characters-sketches are not characters. Characters live in a fully created world with a past and future, they inter-act with other characters, they go through time, they change and are changed by inner motivation and external circumstances. What part of writing a character sketch is the actually working on a real novel? Which brings me to:

2. A plate of spaghetti, all covered with cheese
It's fun to write scenes, character sketches, mood pieces, quick word-pictures of rainy streets or of the ocean touched by sunrise. It feels so creative to do ten-minute free-flow, free-association writing exercises. And writing story ideas: all writers jot down story ideas and it's a wonderful intense burst of creative energy. The difference between the jotting down of short pieces and a novel is that journal-keepers do the short bursts and the real writers write the books.

Journals full of short bursts are like plates of spaghetti: a big heap of stuff without structure.

Then there is:

3. Death by a thousand bon mots
Those who encourage the journal habit will tell you to keep a notebook constantly at hand. Write down phrases and sentences that come to mind, they say, for later use in stories.

Picture the scene: you are writing your novel, you come to a point where you need a powerful descriptive scene, and you think "hey, I wrote one a couple of years ago. Now where the heck is that notebook?" Or you have a brilliant sentence saved that you just have to put in a character's mouth. Hmmm, no character seems likely to say such a thing, so let's tweak the narrative so one of them can. It would be a pity to waste a good line.

Sort of like dumpster diving: this looks like it might be useful one day. Let's keep it.

Some writers are able to use these little treasures they have invented. They are usually writers of the pointillist, perhaps even brittle, "aphorist" school of fiction. Think Truman Capote. But rare is the good narrative writer who interrupts his flow of work to look up something he jotted down months or years ago. Who even remembers what they wrote years ago? When you are really writing, the words you need come to you. The words the story needs arise from writing it.

Writing fiction is not in the snippet, the phrase, the sketch, the free-flow exercise. It is about really writing a whole piece of narrative with all the components of a story: plot, character development, conflict, mood, all worked out, all working together. The cartoonist Nicole Hollander has a "writing test" typical of those published by people who try to sell writing courses. The cartoon begins: "Complete the following sentence and then write 300 more pages..."

A journal is "complete the sentence". A novel is "300 more pages". Novels need discipline, concentration, determination, the ability to see a project through though months or years, the ability to recognize good writing from bad, in order to edit and refine, the strategic, god-like view of the narrative as an entire, interwoven system of character, motivation, time and circumstance. What part of journal-keeping teaches these?

Copyright Caro Clarke - www.caroclarke.com

Again, be sure to look through all the writing advice Caro Clarke has on her site.

At the risk of coming off creepy and/or indelicate, I want touch on something that piqued my curiosity.

A most disturbing conversation was hit upon a couple nights ago in my bi-weekly critique group. One of our members mentioned the extraordinary number of known and established writers who have committed suicide. All writers and non-writers are aware of the fact that instances are fairly high among writers, but until one looks at the list, the actual volume can't be appreciated.

The following list includes 278 noted writers who ended their own lives. One has to think that there are far more writers of lesser renown who have done the same.

What is it about writing? The solitude would be a common first guess, I'd imagine. But maybe there's something deadly in exposing someone of a hermitic disposition to the light of fame. Maybe I'm just putting my own writerly bent on the matter.

All names are linked to their Wikipedia pages.

By now, you're probably very aware -- possible too aware? -- that I picked up a lot to share from this year's ArmadilloCon in Austin. This next installment covers the Podcasting panel. As with all the other panel-related posts of recent days, please forgive any misspellings or out-of-place details. I tried to catch what I could and couldn't afford the time (then or now) to verify every detail. 

The panelists

• Frank Summers
• Michael Ashleigh Finn
• Matthew Bey of Space Squid Magazine, Revolutions.com (I think that was it) and drabblecast.com (I believe he's associated with it, but he may only have suggested it as a good podcast.)
• Scott A. Johnson of Dreamtime Stories, a horror drama podcast at dreadcentral.com.

Whereas most of the panel, as we the case with the Themed Anthology panel that receded it, much of this Podcasting panel was dedicated to a long list of good podcasts and why they might be a good listen for any odd assortment of people and/or tastes. I left it feeling pretty numb, realizing that even if I had all the time in the world, I couldn't catch up with all the ones that were thrown out for discussion, but its good to know folks are out there giving us this new(ish) sort of content. There's no shortage from the sound of it -- unintentional pun.

I did get the feeling, too, that, similar to self-publishing, there's a whole lot of crap to sift through to find the gold. I hope this list and following comments help you in you quest to find good material to listen to.

A list of interesting podcasts of specific interest to writers, especially writers of fantasy/horror/weird

• Deadrobotsociety.com
• writingexcuses.com: Tagline: Fifteen minutes because you're in a hurry and we're not that smart.
• Decoderringtheater.com, home of the Red Panda series
• Escapepod.com, Podcastle.com and Pseudopod.com: all from the same folks
• Nerdiest.com: Chris Hardwick's podcast. He's the funny dude from G4TV
• Ishouldbewriting.com
• Foycast.com
• Dinnerforfiends.com, a great source of horror AND cursing
• starshipsofa.com: This is a weird one from a man who also does a commute to work podcast in Scotland that, we were told has many listeners
• Podiobooks.com

Producing your own podcast

This is the meat of what I had wanted from the Podcasting panel. I do like to listen, but what I was really wanting to know was is podcasting something that an average bloke can pull off. What is the minimum setup? How does one publish his podcast? Is 'publish' the right term? Etc.

If you're going to produce your own podcast, you may need to include sound effects or atmospherics. If you've ever heard an old-timey radio drama, you'll remember the pretty obvious but still fun sound effects. And if you've ever seen these productions on film or have ever seen or watched A Prairie Home Companion with Garrison Keillor, you'll have seen the chaps I'm talking about. They're called foley artists. I had heard that title before but couldn't have told you with confidence what a foley artist did.

Anyway, a good source of sounds and sound effects is Sounddogs.com. I got the impression that the sounds there are free, but I checked them out and most if not all of the sounds cost around $3. I'm not sure if those are sets of sounds or individual sounds. Check them out for yourself. There are other sources of free sounds, but the panel didn't offer other suggestions, Sounddogs.com being ample for almost any purpose you might have.

I was probably most pleased to learn that Scott Johnson, who writes, produces and performs his own dramatic podcasts uses only Garage Band, the inexpensive Mac-based recording studio. It's apparently all you need. Better mics and a fair amount of experience would be a better starter set, but that package is it.

The podcast world is all pretty much DIY right now and nearly none of it is monetized, so it's a new, unexplored -- and, therefore, a largely unexploited frontier.

One thing to note is that if you podcast, you'll not simply do it once. You'll likely have a constantly-growing catalog. Where do you host it? The files aren't small and storage isn't free. Or is it. The panel suggested checking out Archive.org, built specifically for storing your large files at ether no or a very low cost.

Another storage suggestion was Dreamhost.com for its unlimited bandwidth and storage for around $100/year. Yay, but still -- ouch.

My own humble suggestion: Ultimathule.com

For my money, Ultimathule.com is the best podcast I've run into so far. In my work, web design, I find spoken word can be a bit distracting. I'm constantly on the lookout for what I refer to as 'shapeless' music or noise or whatever. Ultimathule.com is a podcast that comes from Australia and showcases ambient music of all genres. Each episode runs close to 1.5 hrs with very minimal interruptions -- two, in fact. Once in the beginning for a minute and once, again a minute, at the end. They're past their 500th episode so you're not going to run out of ambient music for a very long time with Ultimathule.com.

When I suggested Ultimathule.com, one of the panelists in turn suggested I check out the Ambient app. I have not yet, but if I dig it, I'll pass it along.

Sunday morning at ArmadilloCon '11 in Austin kicked off with the Themed Anthologies panel. I was happy to see a couple familiar faces there as well as in the audience, a good sign -- to me, at least -- that the Con isn't so unwieldy in size that one gets lost in the bustle. Community is a nice aspect to these things. It was also interesting that there was zero drama, having the Catholic Sci-Fi author -- yes, there is such a thing -- sitting next to the lesbian erotica author. I suppose those two things don't necessarily have to be mutually exclusive.

The panelists:

• Julie Mandala
• Madeleine Rose Dimond
• Joselle Van Der Hooft
• Nancy Jane Moore
• Chris N. Brown

The moderator started off by asking...

What are some of the better places to find themed anthologies?

Ralan.com was the first one mentioned and it was done so in pretty much the same breath as Duotrope.com, the one with which I had been most familiar since starting writing. The panel was in general agreement that both were good and that it probably came down to one's personal preference as to which might prove better. Ralan.com being more focused, it seemed, on anthologies.

Sword and sorceress was mentioned next for their being one of the few publications that accept open calls that pay pro rates, most anthologies that pay pro rate typically being invitation only. S&S, of course, is not a source to find anthologies, but an anthology itself, so I wondered why it was brought up.

To bring us back on track was an author in the audience, whom other knew better than did I: Don Webb. His name was spoken with a certain reverence, and in this crowd that usually means something. I looked him up later and learned how accomplished and revered he was/is. Anyway, Don Webb stated outright that his preference was Marketmaven.com, that it was in his opinion, better than Duotrope.com, though he provided no specifics as to why or how that opinion was formed.

Of course, when I go there, I only get a page with an email. That can't be the tool he'd suggested. Maybe Rulan.com is the best we have for the time being.

Anthologies can be a thankless affair

The panel spun in a different direction when someone stated that, though a huge enthusiastic amount of effort goes into editing anthologies, there seems to be an industry bias that anthologies don't sell well. But, he added, what is really going on is the industry's opinion at any given time is dependent upon the previous year's sales: a good year for anthologies will have everyone talking about how great anthologies sell; a bad year will have them stating the opposite.

Since all in the room were in agreement that we're not for any reason going to stop submitting to anthologies the discussion turn to a call for...

Good things to keep in mind when considering submitting to anthologies.

Someone said that pay rates may be a good way to judge whether an anthology is quality or a bunch of trouble. The suggestion was, ask whether you're being fair to yourself. The same person then added, but if you really want to submit to an anthology, never mind that bit of advice. Maybe its not about fairness. Sometimes being included in a given anthology transcends discussions of fairness and fees.

Someone suggested that authors consider flat fee work rather than pay-per-word. They said that, in those cases, editors will probably work hard to sell the work. I wish I had asked why, but before I could, the discussion turned.

Another person urged authors not to be afraid to ask questions or even ask to see the contract. Of course this person was/is a lawyer, so I'm not sure how comfortable one might be or what one would do with one if he viewed it. A good modification of that suggestion may be to ask and have your lawyer look it over.

The last suggestion in this part of the session was, "Try to only write something because the theme speaks to you rather than contorted to fit your style into the theme."

I found this piece of advice very good indeed. I have entered a number of writing contests over the years and have found that though forcing oneself to write a story based on a prompt can force something terrific out of a writer, more often than not, what comes out feels more forced than inspired. Waiting for the theme to speak to you will better guarantee you're starting out on a successful path.

Perhaps the best part of the session came next. When the panel touched on this topic, it remained there till time was up.

Anthologists can usually tell is a story wasn't originally written for them but retrofitted, so sit on anthology rejects until that or a similar theme comes around again. Folks don't want to be discovered buying your rejects. It cheapens them. They can recognize it is a rejection even if they haven't heard of the anthology because there are identifiable and sudden gluts of a certain type or theme of story.

The bottom line is that anthologies can be a great place for unsold stories of one is patient and smart.

Pic: Tom Gauld illustration. http://www.doobybrain.com/2009/03/07/funny-illustrations-by-tom-gauld/

WARNING: Adult Content. Do NOT read further if you're young, easily offended or easily sickened.

Saturday night's Writing Erotic Fiction at ArmadilloCon '11 in Austin proved to be an inspiringly, though not surprisingly, raunchy session. What WAS surprising was how informative the hour proved to be.

The purveyors of sin included:

• Ire Sheridan Rose, who writes as Tysche Dwai
• Skyler White
• Paige E. Roberts, whose works include (as best as I could understand) Glass Cages and others
• Joselle Vanderhooft, who stated her preference for same sex erotica and erotic that includes characters who are not normally seen as erotic.
• Melanie Fletcher

The question that kicked off the panel was, similar to other writing panels, was what makes a successful erotic story (also known in the genre as "wank stories"? Having been to a number of other panel at two conventions, having read fairly extensively about the craft of writing and having written with a serious eye for now five years, I guess the first panelist's answer: Sympathetic characters in interesting situations written well. That is the universal answer to what makes ANY story good. The second panelist clarified better what makes an EROTIC story successful:

A successful erotic story is all of that plus it includes plots with sex, not sex without a plot. Another panelist added, if it has no plot, it's porn, not a story. Good erotica has story. Yet another panelist added that there's probably more emphasis on good, well-written sensory detail. It seemed all of a sudden that there was more to a successful erotic story than first met the eye. A general shouting out of ideas from the audience as well as the panel ensued.

General ideas to consider when writing erotica

• Real people are more erotic than "sex mannequins".
• Erotica is fantasy, so too much detail can ruin allowing readers to put flesh on the bone themselves.
• Only engage in sex when the emotion or some other thing can't be expressed in any other way.
• There was some debate about the last one, so the session turned to the peculiar vernacular of erotica. It seems there are plenty of ideas, agreements and disagreements about the language of dirty stories
• No "pussy", one experienced author (a female) said -- "cunt" is better, if only for it's ill iterative quality.
  I wanted to point out that neither I nor another male suggested this. I happen to agree but wouldn't have risked saying so for obvious reasons.
• Often, no direct terms are necessary. Terms like "her center" can impart everything that needs to be understood. This led to a side discussion about how much graphic detail needed to be included. The general consensus seemed to be that some, if not most, detail was best suggested at so that the reader could fill in the rest him/herself.
• "No 'weeping cock'," someone from the audience suggested. This was probably not the first time the session sidetracked to funny sexual terms that should not have been used, that have been used, and that would be funny if used. Some promised to use one or two of them in future works. A very, very incomplete list is below.
• When serious discussion resumed, a panelist suggested that if the word will disrupt the scene for the reader, don't use it.
• Avoid "the magic healing cock.". Being a straight guy, that sounded like great advice in any situation, but I learned that it was a term used for a common error that beginning erotica authors commit. It is the erotica equivalent of deux ex machina.
• For a short erotic story, cut to the chase, the the point where the characters are already about to go nuts if they don't have each other.
• Want to and can't is the main motivating conflict. If handled well, the touch of another's hair can be highly erotic.

Probably to retain order, the panel moderator ask another question:

The next question asked by the moderator was what makes a good erotic story or scene?

• Interesting plot that happens to have sex.
• A story that moves you on more levels than sex. Subtext is key.
• Must be cathartic sexually and passionately. There must be a "pounding need."
• The sex needs to change the participants.
• The sex is part of the character's arc.
• Remember that erotica is driven by "Happily ever after" and less so by "Happy for now".

There was more than my sweaty fingers could keep up with. I was so happy to see all the smiling faces and to learn that there's a whole lot more to this sometimes harshly-judged genre.

Should one write from one's experience or one's fantasies?

"Write what you know" has it's limitations, regardless of genre. Take time travel stories. No one can actually do it, but those stories abound. So the better advice is to write what you WANT to know and educate yourself about the rest. To this, someone joked, "Yeah...leave the horse alone."

The panel ended on an only slightly serious note. A simple, inspiring statement: "Erotica will always sell some, if not a lot. It, like beer or wine or porn is recession-proof."

A TINY sampling of the sexual terms I am ashamed to have heard

• Victorian terms: "quim" and "cunny"
• Baloney pony
• Rampant cock: more of horrible description of probably horrible action than of a body part
• Man box

Somewhere along the way, someone suggested we all visit Anothernameforvagina.com for a good laugh.

Thank you?